I was hospitalized about four weeks ago. I now see that I have been a "functional" depressive for at least a year, by functional I mean that I was able to pull myself up and deal with most major stuff, but otherwise I was hibernating. During this time my blood sugars were slowing going out of control causing my depression to deepen. The end result was sitting on the side of the bed one night crying and wanting to die. Now let me make this much clear, I was not actively trying to do myself harm, however if someone wanted to set me on fire I would not have argued. My husband Tom was at his wits end with me and loaded me into the car then off to the ER we went. Needless to say the hospital kept me to deal with the depression and diabetes. I was admitted to a mental rehabilitation hospital to keep me safe while dealing with the physical and emotion damage.
Now by this time I was in bad shape physically, very blurry vision, unable to focus and I had this embarrassing habit of falling down with no warning (though I still argue that the universe kept shifting under me, gravity was NOT my friend!). I was obbiously was not doing well mentally, (mental rehab??? Need I say more?) But most importanly to me I was in a very dark place spiritually. Due to the depression I had not attended church services for about two months. I had totally cut myself off from the Body of Christ. I felt that I was so broken and so ashamed that I could not "pull myself up by the bootstraps," (my foot went through the boot!) that God could no longer use me or that I could never fulfill the calling he put on my heart. God however showed me through some very awesome people and a lot of time to read my bible, that I still had a job to do and this is a time of reshaping. I am reminded of the potter in Jeremiah 18; "This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: 'Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message.' So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." My shaping is not yet complete, but my body, mind and spirit are stronger now and ready to continue my journey with Christ.
I am not telling you this story for sympathy. I am sharing this experience because I know I am not unique, I know others are out there right now feeling broken-hearted and lonely and that God does not remember them or love them, but take a look a 1John 4:15-17; "...we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love..." I know that we are watched over tenderly by our heavenly Father, all we have to do is ask him, even in a very quiet voice for help. Have confidence that he will hear and send comfort and help. Sometimes the answer is not an immediate healing, often it is a nudge in the direction of help by others. So if you are reading this and feeling that you are worthless and hopeless call out, to Jesus. After all he understood despair. If you a friend or loved one; is there someone you have not talked to or seen in awhile? Give them a call, you could be an answer to a prayer.
Till we meet again my friends, may God's Peace; his Shalom be with you.
Becky
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